It’s another warm welcome from The Ministry Of Sensational Headlines, and have WE got a story for YOU!
Britain was left reeling today after Buckingham Palace announced that two of Her Majesty The Queen’s Corgis walked out in a dispute over pay and conditions. As the news filtered out it sent tremors through tea rooms all over the country (“I was so shocked I ordered an extra scone” – Binky Bartholomew-Smythe, East Grinstead). As Britain came to terms with this shocking news, messages of support poured in from all over the world (well, sort of)
“The thoughts of the American people are with you” – President Barack Obama
“Bring back the birch, hanging AND national service” – David Cameron
“I always knew them Corgis were trouble” – Ken Barlow
“They bite the hand that feeds them” – Bart Simpson
“Inner tubes are on 2 for 1 all over the festive season” – Bob of Bob’s Bicycles, Kidlington
When asked if it was simply barking mad for the Corgis to stage a walk-out (especially at this time of year) Ruf Growlington, militant leader of the National Union Of Corgis (NUC) said, in a Geordie accent, and I quote, “woof, woof, woof, bark, growl, woof”.
In other news, this reporter caught up with eccentric author, Richard F Holmes at his bunker in Tetbury to see how he is coping with the prospect of the world ending in less than three days time. Richard seemed in a very pensive mood as he crawled out from underneath a huge pile of empty baked bean cans, and I waited with bated breath for his words of wisdom. Then, after what seemed like an age, he looked me in the eyes, and with sage-like eloquence said “don’t be so *#*#??!#* stupid”!