Who Am I? Part Ten

Me, circa 1990; my descent into darkness was gathering momentum.

It seemed that Carol had a “gift”. She would get feelings about things happening before they actually happened. She would also get guidance from invisible souls; many years later I understood better what had actually gone on. But for now, in the early stages of our relationship before it all went pear-shaped, this gave us the subject matter for many an interesting conversation. I told my mum about Carol and she was very excited about meeting her. I should mention here that I’m not sure of the order in which all the things that happened during my “Carol period” occurred. I’m also not going to go into too much detail about all the negative stuff because it serves no purpose. I went into detail about stuff that happened during my marriage because in hindsight, it was actually quite funny, and it aptly illustrated my mentality at that stage of my life.

At some point Carol had travelled with me to London and had got on extremely well with my mum. They had a common interest in what we can call Spiritualism. In hindsight, my mum had her own version of spirituality and lived in her own little world. She was very naive and quite gullible. Years ago, she’d been told by psychics that she would have a series of wins on the football pools. She did, but it was a couple of very small wins and one win of around £600. She lived her life in the desperate hope that “the big one” was coming, but it never did. My dad had been so domineering and had subdued her personality to the extent that she had zero confidence. Now that he was gone she was completely helpless in a world that had passed her by. Carol represented a breath of fresh air for her; the trouble was that when things turned sour it made my mum feel very bitter, which only added to her life of woes.

My mum took Carol to a school that was just down the road from where we had first moved to in Wood Green. I’m not sure of the frequency of these events, but on Saturdays there would be various psychics and mediums gathered in the school hall and you could go along for readings etc. I now understand these events to be psychic fairs, but it was all new to me at the time. They came back buzzing and said that I should also go along at some stage. A few weeks later when the next event was held I did go along. It was quite an incredible experience for me. My mum had told me that I should see Mr Tom Dowding. He was around 86 years old and, according to my mum, knew his onions! She said that I should just go and sit on one of the chairs near his table and wait for him to call me forward.

I fathomed out who Mr Dowding was and duly sat down. He was busy drawing, and he kept looking up at me. Then he called me forward and the first thing he said was, “I’ve been waiting for you”. He then handed me the drawing; which was of a Native American Indian. He said that the Indian was my spirit guide and then proceeded to tell me all kinds of things that blew me away. On reflection there was very little evidence in what Mr Dowding told me. A lot of it was just names that he gave me, but he also made some predictions, which in the main all came true. Another thing he told me that was really completely new to me was that I could heal people just by putting my hands on them. He further stated that the power of thought was so great that I could even do this from a distance. I was so blown away by the experience that I went to see him again a few weeks later and he further blew me away. He told me of another spirit guide from Egypt and he also told me that I would be working from a platform.

At some stage I left my job with The Royal Liver and moved in with Carol at her house in Swindon. I got a job as a self-employed taxi driver thanks to Carol’s brother-in-law, John. John was a great bloke and he was still working as a taxi driver himself, having had his own taxi business, and he got me in the door.

Carol told me about a Spiritualist church that was in the Old Town area of Swindon. She went along one night and about a week later we went together. I honestly thought there would be ghosts flying around the room, but it was so far removed from ghosts and the ridiculous portrayal of Spiritualism and Spiritualist churches that we see in the media. It was just like any other church service; the only difference was that the medium taking the service would also give a demonstration of mediumship. I got a message; it was very positive, and it gave me the impetus to go again.

Now that I was back in Swindon I was worried about my mum being in the flat on her own with the squatters upstairs. She was only in her early sixties and at this stage she was still quite able-bodied, but she was very vulnerable. Carol suggested that we should try to get her an exchange move with someone in Swindon who wanted to move to London. This would be possible because the flat in Gladstone Avenue was a council property, and the exchange could be made with another council tenant in Swindon. I phoned my mum and put the suggestion to her and she agreed. So, me and Carol travelled to London having arranged an appointment for my mum with the housing department of Haringey Council. It seemed that in no time at all my mum was up and moved and living in Swindon.

She had already been for a visit and had been quite disturbed by all the arguments and bad language that were part of the norm in the household. Me and Carol were already having our problems so by the time my mum moved to Swindon things were well and truly on the downward spiral. Carol had an extremely strong personality that came from years of living in an abusive environment and she was very controlling. It was really difficult for me when my mum came to stay; I felt like piggy-in-the-middle. On one hand it wasn’t nice for me seeing my mum clearly uncomfortable in that atmosphere, but on the other hand I had to try and keep the peace with Carol; it was like walking on eggs. She told me once that what had ruined our relationship was my wandering eye.. She was so paranoid after her first husband cheated on her that my habit of looking at other women had really put a spanner in the works. I wouldn’t have cheated on her but I was aware that my eyes had a habit of wandering. I wouldn’t have liked it so it couldn’t have been very nice for her.

Carol subjected me to what I can only describe as psychological abuse. She had a way of making me feel useless and inadequate (it was a familiar feeling that harked back to my relationship with my dad before we buried the hatchet). Life was really miserable and was made worse by the fact that Carol simply didn’t trust me. She didn’t like me working on the taxis and our relationship reached rock bottom. I don’t know how I managed it but I somehow got out of the house and at the age of 33 I had the ignominy of moving back in with my mum. As I’ve already stated, the world had passed my mum by and she lived somewhere in the 1940s or 50s. She had the annoying habit of stating the obvious, which indirectly reminded me of my miserable predicament. Also, because she was such a negative person it was extremely difficult being in my mum’s company for any length of time. Things just dragged me down and it seemed as though it was always when I was at my lowest, that my mum would come out with the sort of statement that would just make me feel even more inadequate than I was already feeling. She didn’t mean it of course, it was just her understanding of things.

This period is not over yet! We are now up to 1988 but we need to journey to May1990 in order to put this piece of the saga to bed. Laterzzzzz


Spirit Guides; Just Who Are You?????

This is another one of those articles that sets out to educate in a simplistic way and explode a few myths at the same time. 

First of all, and contrary to popular opinion, the astral planes are not full of souls running around dressed as Red Indians, Egyptians, monks and oriental gentlemen etc.  The truth is that spirit guides will project these images because they know, that in our human state, we want “boxes ticked”, and our logical minds demand tangibility.  I shall clarify this more as we go along.

Spirit guides most certainly do exist; we all have them whether we like it or not.  But they do not exist in the way that many believe they do.  It’s true to say that we all have a certain number of highly evolved souls and celestial beings who watch over us.  But by and large the guides who work with us on a day-to-day basis are pretty much at the same level as us, or in some cases, not as evolved.  The only advantage that they have is, that being discarnate, they have a view of the bigger picture and are able to help us in ways that are conducive to our long-term spiritual growth.  They are usually spirit/soul family members who have known us for eons.  They will be souls that we have encountered many times before, both in this world and beyond, and the work they do for us is also beneficial to them because it is a form of service that enhances their own spiritual growth.

Quite often they will take on the form of Native American Indians or some other culture generally associated with high levels of spiritual wisdom.  Of course, it goes without saying that in some cases these souls may have indeed embraced that particular culture during an incarnation into flesh, but the main reason for projecting the form is so that the person being guided has something on which to focus.  We also have what are called “helpers” who are generally departed souls whom we have known in this lifetime (those I affectionately refer to as “Auntie Doris” and “Uncle Charlie”).  Your average person attending a spiritualist church does not have a great understanding of spirituality and desperately needs to know that the likes of “Auntie Doris” is right there helping them to unload their burdens.  Helpers can also be other members of our soul families who simply want to do their bit to help us along.  The guides and the helpers are generally supervised by souls who are more evolved.

I remember some years back whilst I was still sitting in a development group in Gloucester.  I had a portrait of a guide painted for me by a psychic artist.  I didn’t recognize the guide, but he was in the form of a monk with his cowl up over his head; with big eyes and a soft, kind face.  Some other members of the development group also had portraits of guides painted by the same artist, and this particular evening we brought our portraits with us and meditated on them.  Group members said that mine looked like a Tibetan Monk and some days later I was at home meditating when the guide appeared.  I asked “are you Tibetan?”, and the answer I received was “why?  Do you want me to be?”.  That just about sums up what I was saying before.  The guide was telling me that he would project any form I wished; it was just a form.

In the early days I was just like most people.  The first guides I knew of were Great Chief White Feathers; who apparently was from the Blackfoot tribe and an Egyptian who flatly refused to give a name but informed me I could call him Abdulla if I really had to.  In time I learned that those two fantastic souls who helped me through some dark times were not the highly evolved beings I thought they were.  They were simply loving souls who knew me and were doing their best to help me.  These days I am simply aware of energies around me.  Those energies have intelligence and they are able to project any form they want to.  I very, very rarely see “form” these days when it comes to guides, because they know that I now understand that pure spirit is formless; it simply IS.  I know and trust those energies and feel them around me constantly, form is irrelevant and not necessary once you reach a certain understanding.

To finish I will just say this.  The greatest guide any of us could ever have is our inner guide; the light of love; the God that resides within our hearts.