Who Am I? Part Eighteen


This post is going to be like one of those films where they keep switching from one scene to the other because there are several stories going on at the same time, which all come together in the end. Firstly, as far as work was going, I fell for the yarn that was spun to me prior to accepting the new position, and was swept away on the crest of a wave of delusion. I was constantly making enquiries as to whether any new positions were coming up, and I had my heart set on joining the marketing team. I was bored with key accounts, and my efforts to get myself noticed didn’t go down very well with key accounts management. So much so, that my line manager eventually took me to one side and reminded me that I was a customer agent in the key accounts team; implying that I should know my place and get on with the job I was paid to do.

Eventually, I was offered a position within the marketing team; I was elated! If only I knew then what was just around the corner! It was cloud cuckoo land for several months. The job was only a side-step, but the marketing manager promised me it would lead to a promotion. During a conversation I had with the key accounts manager some weeks after taking up the new position in marketing, I mentioned what I had been told about getting promoted; he just laughed and walked off! This was a sign of what was to come. But in the meantime I was still riding the crest of a wave. There was long lunches, paid for on the managers’ expense accounts, and even though I was quite a low grade I was issued with a company mobile phone and I could also claim any expenses that I incurred on my travels. I should mention that my new job entailed managing the products that we were trying to sell to our commercial customers. This meant going out on the road from time to time, hence I was allowed to claim any expenses incurred. As well as ordering any stocks that I thought we needed I was also responsible for managing the installation of the aforementioned products. By this time I was no longer using the rail warrant to get to work. I had been advised to take out a company loan and buy a car, as I would need one to do my new job. This I did, and because I was not the only one commuting from Swindon, we would car share so that the burden of fuel expense could be shared.

In the meantime I had started going back to the spiritualist church on a more regular basis. Nothing had particularly changed; I still felt that there was a staleness to Spiritualism and the atmosphere in the church was pretty much exactly as it was. This time however, I did get to meet several people who I could relate to, and eventually I decided to go along to what they called the “open circle”, which was held on the second and fourth Thursday of the month. An open circle is not something that I would particularly advise participating in these days; they can actually be quite dangerous, but at that time it suited me. The open circle is for people who are wanting to find out more about Spiritualism and to start to develop their psychic and mediumistic abilities. It’s called an open circle because anybody can come and sit. Me and my particular group of friends formed the nucleus of the open circle; there was about six of us. When it was just us it was great, but sometimes there would be loads of people turning up, and everyone brings their own horrors with them so to speak, so an open circle is not always the ideal experience. Meanwhile back in Reading…

My best mates at work were Gary and Huw. Gary was one grade below middle-management within the marketing team and he lived in London. Huw was also in the marketing team and lived in Swindon; he was one of the car sharers. From time to time Gary would come to Swindon and stay at Huw’s house and we would get together over a few bears and have a real laugh. Eventually, I realised that my sexy new job was nothing of the sort. My line manager had previously been responsible for what I was now doing. When it became apparent that it entailed a lot of hassle and that it was pretty much a losing battle, they needed someone to dump on, and that person was me. In theory the products were great, but in practice they simply didn’t work; mainly because of the many unforeseen problems with installation. Cracks started to appear and eventually someone very high up within the organisation realised that our new all-singing-all-dancing marketing department was haemorrhaging money. Thousands of pounds had been spent with very little return so heads had to roll. Incredibly, there was only one actual redundancy that I remember, but there was a huge restructuring. The one bloke who got made redundant was Dave. He was one of the three salespeople and a really good bloke. As ever in these situations it was the people who had been responsible for the biggest mess who came up smelling of roses once the dust had settled, poor Dave was just a scapegoat. Meanwhile back at the oasis…

Prior to things turning sour, I started a relationship with a woman called Sue. She worked in the same building as me in Reading; she was upstairs in graphic design. We were together for six months, during which time I was incredibly insensitive towards her. I really didn’t appreciate her and eventually we parted company. For me, it was a case of, “you don’t know what you’ve got till its gone”, but we still had some good times together. I’m mentioning Sue because I think she is quite significant to my story at this time, which will become clearer a little later. We had two things in common, an interest in Spiritualism and alcohol.

Eventually, I got more involved with trying to develop myself spiritually, and there is a milestone moment I will share with you. I’ll also have to backtrack because it was the first time I ever went to the open circle.  It was as though something inside me was saying, “now is the time to go forward”, so I decided that I was going to go to this open circle thing. The person in charge said we were going to try something called psychometry, which is to pick up information from an object by holding it. For example, by holding a piece of jewellery in your hand you may be able to pick up information about who has worn it. Most of the others present seemed quite apprehensive but I quickly offered myself forward to have a go, and to my amazement I was able to give some fairly accurate information to complete strangers simply by holding the items they had brought with them. This was the springboard for me and now there was no holding me back.

Because this period is quite involved I’m going to split it into two parts as I want to keep the reader’s interest. So I’m going to get straight on with part nineteen.

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Who Am I? Part Ten


Me, circa 1990; my descent into darkness was gathering momentum.

It seemed that Carol had a “gift”. She would get feelings about things happening before they actually happened. She would also get guidance from invisible souls; many years later I understood better what had actually gone on. But for now, in the early stages of our relationship before it all went pear-shaped, this gave us the subject matter for many an interesting conversation. I told my mum about Carol and she was very excited about meeting her. I should mention here that I’m not sure of the order in which all the things that happened during my “Carol period” occurred. I’m also not going to go into too much detail about all the negative stuff because it serves no purpose. I went into detail about stuff that happened during my marriage because in hindsight, it was actually quite funny, and it aptly illustrated my mentality at that stage of my life.

At some point Carol had travelled with me to London and had got on extremely well with my mum. They had a common interest in what we can call Spiritualism. In hindsight, my mum had her own version of spirituality and lived in her own little world. She was very naive and quite gullible. Years ago, she’d been told by psychics that she would have a series of wins on the football pools. She did, but it was a couple of very small wins and one win of around £600. She lived her life in the desperate hope that “the big one” was coming, but it never did. My dad had been so domineering and had subdued her personality to the extent that she had zero confidence. Now that he was gone she was completely helpless in a world that had passed her by. Carol represented a breath of fresh air for her; the trouble was that when things turned sour it made my mum feel very bitter, which only added to her life of woes.

My mum took Carol to a school that was just down the road from where we had first moved to in Wood Green. I’m not sure of the frequency of these events, but on Saturdays there would be various psychics and mediums gathered in the school hall and you could go along for readings etc. I now understand these events to be psychic fairs, but it was all new to me at the time. They came back buzzing and said that I should also go along at some stage. A few weeks later when the next event was held I did go along. It was quite an incredible experience for me. My mum had told me that I should see Mr Tom Dowding. He was around 86 years old and, according to my mum, knew his onions! She said that I should just go and sit on one of the chairs near his table and wait for him to call me forward.

I fathomed out who Mr Dowding was and duly sat down. He was busy drawing, and he kept looking up at me. Then he called me forward and the first thing he said was, “I’ve been waiting for you”. He then handed me the drawing; which was of a Native American Indian. He said that the Indian was my spirit guide and then proceeded to tell me all kinds of things that blew me away. On reflection there was very little evidence in what Mr Dowding told me. A lot of it was just names that he gave me, but he also made some predictions, which in the main all came true. Another thing he told me that was really completely new to me was that I could heal people just by putting my hands on them. He further stated that the power of thought was so great that I could even do this from a distance. I was so blown away by the experience that I went to see him again a few weeks later and he further blew me away. He told me of another spirit guide from Egypt and he also told me that I would be working from a platform.

At some stage I left my job with The Royal Liver and moved in with Carol at her house in Swindon. I got a job as a self-employed taxi driver thanks to Carol’s brother-in-law, John. John was a great bloke and he was still working as a taxi driver himself, having had his own taxi business, and he got me in the door.

Carol told me about a Spiritualist church that was in the Old Town area of Swindon. She went along one night and about a week later we went together. I honestly thought there would be ghosts flying around the room, but it was so far removed from ghosts and the ridiculous portrayal of Spiritualism and Spiritualist churches that we see in the media. It was just like any other church service; the only difference was that the medium taking the service would also give a demonstration of mediumship. I got a message; it was very positive, and it gave me the impetus to go again.

Now that I was back in Swindon I was worried about my mum being in the flat on her own with the squatters upstairs. She was only in her early sixties and at this stage she was still quite able-bodied, but she was very vulnerable. Carol suggested that we should try to get her an exchange move with someone in Swindon who wanted to move to London. This would be possible because the flat in Gladstone Avenue was a council property, and the exchange could be made with another council tenant in Swindon. I phoned my mum and put the suggestion to her and she agreed. So, me and Carol travelled to London having arranged an appointment for my mum with the housing department of Haringey Council. It seemed that in no time at all my mum was up and moved and living in Swindon.

She had already been for a visit and had been quite disturbed by all the arguments and bad language that were part of the norm in the household. Me and Carol were already having our problems so by the time my mum moved to Swindon things were well and truly on the downward spiral. Carol had an extremely strong personality that came from years of living in an abusive environment and she was very controlling. It was really difficult for me when my mum came to stay; I felt like piggy-in-the-middle. On one hand it wasn’t nice for me seeing my mum clearly uncomfortable in that atmosphere, but on the other hand I had to try and keep the peace with Carol; it was like walking on eggs. She told me once that what had ruined our relationship was my wandering eye.. She was so paranoid after her first husband cheated on her that my habit of looking at other women had really put a spanner in the works. I wouldn’t have cheated on her but I was aware that my eyes had a habit of wandering. I wouldn’t have liked it so it couldn’t have been very nice for her.

Carol subjected me to what I can only describe as psychological abuse. She had a way of making me feel useless and inadequate (it was a familiar feeling that harked back to my relationship with my dad before we buried the hatchet). Life was really miserable and was made worse by the fact that Carol simply didn’t trust me. She didn’t like me working on the taxis and our relationship reached rock bottom. I don’t know how I managed it but I somehow got out of the house and at the age of 33 I had the ignominy of moving back in with my mum. As I’ve already stated, the world had passed my mum by and she lived somewhere in the 1940s or 50s. She had the annoying habit of stating the obvious, which indirectly reminded me of my miserable predicament. Also, because she was such a negative person it was extremely difficult being in my mum’s company for any length of time. Things just dragged me down and it seemed as though it was always when I was at my lowest, that my mum would come out with the sort of statement that would just make me feel even more inadequate than I was already feeling. She didn’t mean it of course, it was just her understanding of things.

This period is not over yet! We are now up to 1988 but we need to journey to May1990 in order to put this piece of the saga to bed. Laterzzzzz

 

Red Snappa And The Mothers Of Reinvention


TAJ-Final Version-EBYes, your eyes are not deceiving you! It’s a spoof title; and why not? My first spoof title since the heady days of Aliens Ate My Grandmother etc. at the time of the so-called “shift”. I thought it was about time I spoofed things up a bit and gave you an update in the process.

You may remember that some months ago I said I was in the process of reinventing myself. I also announced that I’d unpublished all my books and took my CDs out of circulation. I still don’t know exactly what form the new me is going to take, but it seems that the wheels have started to turn slowly, so here I am. I have felt for a long time that I urgently need to broaden my horizons; and the best way to do this is to travel to different places. Up to now the stumbling block has always been the cost involved; travel being so much more expensive than it used to be, but now the means has materialised to enable me to see a bit more of the world. I’m starting fairly close to home, with a trip up to Northern Scotland. After that, there are so many options. I have he following itinerary in my head: Iceland, Cyprus, as many countries in mainland Europe that I can cram in, India (two trips) and Nepal.

In the meantime I have republished three of my books, (two as eBooks and paperback and one as a paperback only), and I’m in the process of reissuing two of my CDs. I’m also still doing my work as a medium, but this is something that I will be doing very little of in the future. The truth is that for many years now I have seen mediumship for what it is, and it has become nothing short of a chore. I simply cannot get excited about churning out the same old mundane messages anymore. I’m finding it more and more difficult to motivate myself as each demonstration rears its head in my diary. You see friends, the process of mediumship takes place at a very low level of spiritual understanding, and it simply does not resonate with me anymore; it no longer serves my soul.

Friends say to me, “ah yes, but it gives them comfort”, or, “it gives them hope”. That is true, but people have to realise that comfort and hope are “of the world”, and subject to relativity. You can’t go through life clutching at straws and expect it to get you somewhere; and when I’m the one offering the straws it gets downright boring. I feel that my creativity is being stunted. The comfort you get today will surely turn to discomfort before you can blink, because you are looking in the wrong place for what you seek. The only thing a medium can promise you is that all the fear, grief and pain that was torturing you when you awoke this morning, will still be torturing you tomorrow morning regardless of whether a medium gives you a message or not.

Spiritualism as a religion is sill puffing and wheezing its way towards the 21st Century and is not able to bring people out of the spiritual wilderness they find themselves in. Spiritualism relies on the existence of something that does not exist for its own existence; namely the separate self. If there were no messages the Spiritualist churches would be empty, and I don’t feel that I can continue to “feed” a lie. I intend to honour the bookings I already have for the rest of this year and next, but I will also have to cancel a few to accommodate my travel plans. I imagine that I will continue to serve a small handful of venues as long as I remain in the area. However, they will be the venues that have always been very supportive of me and where I have maintained excellent relationships.

It is also true to say that these days mediums are ten-a-penny, and there are plenty of them around to give people the kind of stuff that is craved by the “false self”. Whether we like it or not, the day must surely come when we have to accept that we are God and that there is only One of us!

As for me? Who knows? The doors of my life adventure are open, it’s just a matter of me having the vision to see this so I can enjoy the ride. Watch this space!

Western Religion Can Only Ever Be A Stepping Stone To Truth

Video


Two religions, apparently at opposite ends of the spectrum, both endorsing the illusion of duality.

 

Trance Mediumship – What’s The Point?


I suppose the title sounds a bit cynical, probably because there is a hint of cynicism cunningly inserted into it, but there is a reason for my cynicism.  For the uninitiated trance mediumship is when a medium allows a dis-carnate soul to overshadow/enter their physical body, take over their voice box and then speak through them.  Theoretically, the spirit guide, or whomever the communicating soul may be, then proceeds to speak words of wisdom and enlightenment.  That all sounds pretty good, however, we live in changing times and to me, this is just one of many examples of how UK Spiritualism remains firmly rooted in the past.  I will now endeavour to qualify this statement by offering my reasons for holding this view.

We need to understand that the human race, and indeed our wonderful planet, is going through a shift at this moment in time.  It should also be said that it is only the spiritually un-aware who are not able to feel these changes that are taking place as I type.  I mention this because we are fast heading towards a new Golden Age; and people all over the planet are going through an awakening that is very tangible in its process.  People all over the planet are waking up to who they really are and coming to the realisation that what we are all seeking has all the time been closer than our very finger tips, and has indeed been nestling within our own hearts.  We also need to understand that ALL form, without exception, both in this realm and the astral realms, is an illusion.

Now, this “thing” that we have all been searching for, i.e. “the bliss that passes all understanding” or God, if you like, which is our true nature, is also an infinite ocean of love, wisdom and truth.  To be more precise, this God-ness is actually all these things rolled into one.  Having established this it is now apparent that there is no reason whatsoever for anyone anywhere to want to allow the likes of “Auntie Doris” or “Big Chief Tomahawk” the spirit guide (who isn’t even a real Red Indian anyway) to take over their voice box and speak in a funny voice and maybe do a bit of hand waving in the process.  What I mean is, that what is contained within the illusion of our physical form is all-knowing and wisdom personified, therefore if we are now awakening to this truth is it not the most logical, practical and simple thing in the world to just tap into this source of inner joy and take from it what we need to enhance our own lives and the lives of others?  Illusion will always dissolve and fade away when faced with truth, so if we are now waking up to our truth what further purpose could trance mediumship possibly serve?

What purpose does it serve to have another soul, who may or may not be as evolved as we are, take over our physical body and use our voice box to speak, when we have something within us that is far more profound?  We also need to understand that everything we see is just an opinion, meaning that we all view the world from our own perspective and vision; and we have already established that all form is an illusion.  This would suggest that not only is Big Chief Tomahawk not a real Red Indian, but the Uncle Charlies and Auntie Mabels of the astral planes didn’t actually exist here on Earth in the way that we remember; what we saw of them was just our opinion at the time.

I don’t write with cynicism in order to be insulting or disrespectful in any way, but I find that it enables me to simplify my writing and put things over in ways that people can understand, and I’m afraid that I find the whole Spiritualism thing so outdated.  It seems to imply that we will find what we are looking for externally, yet nothing could be further from the truth.  I have always accepted that we all need to start somewhere, but once you have established a platform from which to work you need to evolve, and Spiritualism just doesn’t do this; It’s the same old same old.  It seeks to prove survival after physical death, and I believe it does this admirably, but it doesn’t do anything else; for heaven’s sake, just how many times do we need to be told that Auntie Doris baked cakes and liked her garden????

Never in a million years will we find the peace that passes all understanding when we look outside of ourselves.  A medium cannot tell us anything that is going to take away our worries, fears and troubles; only mind control via inner enquiry can do that, and the whole concept of trance mediumship implies that we have to rely on another party separate from ourselves to provide guidance.  You the reader, you yourself are God and all the knowledge you will ever need, you have already.  Anyone that we look to for guidance can, at the most, only point us in the direction of ourselves.

Do not be content with the empty shells washed up on the shore, instead dive deep into the ocean and collect the pearls of wisdom – Sri Sathya Sai Baba

In summary I would like to say that I accept wholeheartedly that there is a need for people who have no spiritual understanding to come to the realisation that there is no death, and that those they love have in fact simply stepped out of the body into another dimension.  My biggest gripe with Spiritualism is that it doesn’t seem to move beyond this point, although I also accept that many people still believe that death actually exists and need the comfort that Spiritualism provides.  However, it should also be understood that the mind, ego and senses will always trick us into looking at the world from the perspective of duality.  When we are awake we transcend the mind, ego and senses and therefore view the world from the perspective of “Oneness”, which is truth.  Bearing this in mind and going back to the title of this article “Trance Mediumship – What’s The Point”; who can actually speak through us?  From the perspective of Oneness, no one but ourselves.

Sai Humour #2


As I wrote in a previous article Sri Sathya Sai Baba was famous for the way he used humour to get his point across to people, and I’m going to share a few more examples of this with you now.

It was well know among devotees that Baba never slept, ever.  He was engaged in ”God” business 24 hours a day for every single day of the 85 years and six months that he was in his physical body.  Once when someone asked him if it was true that he never slept, he replied ”if I wanted to rest I wouldn’t have incarnated”.

In his younger days Swami would quite often leave his body in order to go to the aid of a devotee in distress, or to administer a cure for a life threatening illness.  An elderly devotee, also a non-swimmer, once fell down a deep and wide well and found to his astonishment that he was being supported from the waist up.  He remained supported until a rescue operation was mounted and he was hauled to safety.  The man knew that Swami had to be involved somehow and decided to go to Puttaparthi the next day to thank him.  He was sitting on the sand patiently waiting for Baba to come out for darsham, when all of a sudden Baba appeared on the balcony, and on seeing the man, shouted; ”hey!  Do you realise my shoulders are still hurting from holding you up last night!”

Another one of my favourite examples of Baba’s sense of humour was when an American lady was telling him of her worries regarding earthquakes in California.  She said ”but Swami what shall I do if there’s an earthquake”, to which Baba replied ”PREPARE TO DIE!”

More to follow.

Looking For Your Face


From the beginning of my life
I have been looking for your face
but today I have seen it

Today I have seen
the charm, the beauty,
the unfathomable grace
of the face
that I was looking for

Today I have found you
and those who laughed
and scorned me yesterday
are sorry that they were not looking
as I did

I am bewildered by the magnificence
of your beauty
and wish to see you
with a hundred eyes

My heart has burned with passion
and has searched forever
for this wondrous beauty
that I now behold

I am ashamed
to call this love human
and afraid of God
to call it divine

Your fragrant breath
like the morning breeze
has come to the stillness of the garden
You have breathed new life into me
I have become your sunshine
and also your shadow

My soul is screaming in ecstasy
Every fibre of my being
is in love with you

Your effulgence
has lit a fire in my heart
for me
the earth and sky

My arrow of love
has arrived at the target
I am in the house of mercy
and my heart
is a place of prayer

Rumi