Who Am I? Epilogue

When I first started writing this series of posts, what seems like an absolute age ago now, I never dreamed it would stretch to 35 articles. The whole idea was so that people who have only started following my blog in recent years could gain an understanding of where I’ve come from. Having said that, this story has been far from an ego trip, and apart from the spiritual implications of my journey, there is also a very real and practical message in here that I would like to get out. That message is, that in life we will all experience many things that will test us and wear us down. Many of those things will be extremely unpleasant. However, regardless of what we go through, we do not have to be victims. When you are going through pain, it is very easy (and understandable) to blame particular people or circumstances, and it is a common human trait to cling for dear life, on to things that cause us pain. But my point is that you can experience all manner of difficulties, but to be a victim of them, is unfortunately, a choice.

When I look back on where I’ve come from, I actually feel a little bit embarrassed. Because what I experienced seems to me to be very insignificant compared to what some people go through. However, at the time my pain was very real and I will never forget the depths of darkness to which I sank, or the excruciating emotional pain that I felt at times; pain that cut through me like a sword. It was only when I finally realised that the world was not responsible for the way I felt, that I was able to change things. No one but me was responsible for making changes in my life.

One thing that has really been brought home to me from my experiences, is the importance of our parents. Regardless of the kind of relationship, if any, we have with them, they are so important for our growth. As I stated very early in this series, I had extremely difficult relationships with both my parents, but for different reasons. I now understand that I was there for their growth as much as they were there for mine. I also now understand that both of them did a fantastic job in accordance with the understanding and level of consciousness that they had. So, Dick and Elsie, I salute you! I also have to admit that I must have been an absolute nightmare for them at times! Another thing that I now understand is that both of them were a reflection of me, and I of them; reflecting the good as well as the not so good.

My journey has been one of an awakening. However, I am the first to admit that I have some way to go yet. I know this because if I was a fully realized soul, I would not be talking about journeys and awakening, because in Consciousness there is nowhere to go and nothing to awaken from. I firmly believe that my chronic fatigue is a part of my awakening process, and there is something else that I know many of you will be able to relate to. If you are a spiritually minded person; and I’m presuming you are if you are reading this, have you noticed that several old and stale traits that you thought you’d dealt with years ago have started to rear their heads again? My understanding, although I’m not saying that this is set in stone, is that when we are awakening, we can only awaken in stages; very few souls have the traumatic experience of sudden and complete awakening. The process can be very painful indeed so we have to awaken gradually. When we become more and more evolved after clearing out what we believe to be all the debris lodged in the soul, it can be quite a surprise when “stuff” starts to pop up again. But this can be likened to the “exhaust fumes” effect that I spoke about in a previous article. After the vehicle has long gone, the smell of exhaust fumes lingers in the air until it too dissipates.

Speaking of sudden and complete awakening. One soul who went through such a process was the Indian sage, Ramana Maharshi; this is described in great detail in the book, The Mind of Ramana Maharshi by Arthur Osborne. I can thoroughly recommend this book, and indeed, all of the Arthur Osborne books on the teachings of the great man. My own awakening process has escalated greatly since I became aware of the Maharshi and his teachings.

So, this is it folks. Thank you for continuing to support my blog and please do “like” and leave a comment. I will now leave you with the answer to the question, “Who Am I”?, that I have asked 35 times during the writing of my story. But before I do, I just want to let you know that I have decided to put all this into book form, for release in 2018. The book will contain more detail and will be called, Eyesight To The Blind.

Yes, I have experienced dark times. I “suffered” with depression for an estimated 28 years, I have “suffered” psychological abuse, also for a prolonged period of time and I have been on the receiving end of domestic violence and “suffered” organisational abuse. One thing that I have not revealed until now is that I also experienced sexual abuse at the age of 8. It only happened once, but once was enough! I experienced my acute stress related illness too, which finally served as my wake up call. Throughout all this I chose to be a victim and suffered the consequences of that choice until I realised that all the answers were contained within me. I then embarked on my spiritual journey, which also had its ups and downs, the main focus of which was my work as a medium. Now as I type it is two days since undertaking my last ever booking in that line of work. I don’t know what the future holds, but I suppose the only true answer to that is, that the future will hold for me whatever my mind creates.

I have come to the understanding that there really is only consciousness, and nothing else, that there really is nothing to do except to allow oneself to be as a hollow bamboo in order that the higher power may weave its magic through us. I am a beautiful soul, a being of light, having an imaginary adventure; during which I will hopefully get to know myself in my own experience and love myself for the delightful soul that I am. In a nutshell…

I am that I am..


Before and After

Me looking like an axe killer! Taken in Bielefeld hostel during my Who blasting days.



Don’t Be A Victim

Recently, I did a training course at work; the theme of which was, “Safeguarding”. We were told that there are seven types of what is considered to be “abuse”. As the facilitator went through the various types I realised that I’d experienced four of them first-hand. It read like a kind of check-list!

375811_4123703570261_303439096_nAs a child I’d experienced psychological abuse over an extended period of time, but the perpetrator would not have realised that he was abusing me. Then as an eight year old I was sexually abused; thankfully, it was just a one-off. Then as an adult in my thirties I experienced domestic violence. Even though there was only two instances, they were accompanied by regular periods of psychological abuse. Finally, in this world of political correctness, we are told that there is a form of abuse called “organisational”; this is where the “victim” is abused by the organisation they work for. I almost felt quite proud that I could also add organisational abuse to my “abuse CV”; I experienced this in my forties.

You may or may not have noticed that I am saying that I “experienced” these forms of abuse, as opposed to I was a “victim” of them, and there is a reason for this. Even though I would not want to experience those situations again, and even though I would not wish them on anybody else, I would not swap one second of the experience for anything. Those experiences are part of who I am and make me the person I am today. They have helped to sculpt my character and have given me the tools to be able to help other people. When I experienced organisational abuse, for example, it took me to a new low in my life; a place of darkness that would not be high up on my list of favourite holiday destinations. However, once I was pushed over the edge I found strength I didn’t know I had, and in the long-term, that experience turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me. It turned out to be the springboard for the most amazing transformation in my life and I’ve never looked back.

When we experience bad things in our lives the rawness is bound to make us feel a lot of negative emotions, such as anger, resentment, hatred and fear to name but a few, and these feelings will more often than not cause us to have a very low self-esteem and to feel very weak and vulnerable. So, under the circumstances it is quite normal to feel like a victim. But being a victim will have a very negative long-term effect; I have first-hand experience of this. Eventually the dust starts to settle, and in my case I was guided down a certain pathway that taught me there was only person who could change my life; and that was me. Once I realised I was the only one in control of my life I was able to go about changing things.

Remember, the world is a paradox, and out of the darkness there will always be the most amazing light. Who we really are is stronger than anything life can throw at us. If you are suffering now, don’t make the same mistakes that I made that prolonged my misery. Don’t be a victim, instead be someone who had/is having experiences that will enable you to turn adversity into advantage, and in doing so make yourself shine in greater glory than you already do. God bless!