Who Am I? Epilogue


When I first started writing this series of posts, what seems like an absolute age ago now, I never dreamed it would stretch to 35 articles. The whole idea was so that people who have only started following my blog in recent years could gain an understanding of where I’ve come from. Having said that, this story has been far from an ego trip, and apart from the spiritual implications of my journey, there is also a very real and practical message in here that I would like to get out. That message is, that in life we will all experience many things that will test us and wear us down. Many of those things will be extremely unpleasant. However, regardless of what we go through, we do not have to be victims. When you are going through pain, it is very easy (and understandable) to blame particular people or circumstances, and it is a common human trait to cling for dear life, on to things that cause us pain. But my point is that you can experience all manner of difficulties, but to be a victim of them, is unfortunately, a choice.

When I look back on where I’ve come from, I actually feel a little bit embarrassed. Because what I experienced seems to me to be very insignificant compared to what some people go through. However, at the time my pain was very real and I will never forget the depths of darkness to which I sank, or the excruciating emotional pain that I felt at times; pain that cut through me like a sword. It was only when I finally realised that the world was not responsible for the way I felt, that I was able to change things. No one but me was responsible for making changes in my life.

One thing that has really been brought home to me from my experiences, is the importance of our parents. Regardless of the kind of relationship, if any, we have with them, they are so important for our growth. As I stated very early in this series, I had extremely difficult relationships with both my parents, but for different reasons. I now understand that I was there for their growth as much as they were there for mine. I also now understand that both of them did a fantastic job in accordance with the understanding and level of consciousness that they had. So, Dick and Elsie, I salute you! I also have to admit that I must have been an absolute nightmare for them at times! Another thing that I now understand is that both of them were a reflection of me, and I of them; reflecting the good as well as the not so good.

My journey has been one of an awakening. However, I am the first to admit that I have some way to go yet. I know this because if I was a fully realized soul, I would not be talking about journeys and awakening, because in Consciousness there is nowhere to go and nothing to awaken from. I firmly believe that my chronic fatigue is a part of my awakening process, and there is something else that I know many of you will be able to relate to. If you are a spiritually minded person; and I’m presuming you are if you are reading this, have you noticed that several old and stale traits that you thought you’d dealt with years ago have started to rear their heads again? My understanding, although I’m not saying that this is set in stone, is that when we are awakening, we can only awaken in stages; very few souls have the traumatic experience of sudden and complete awakening. The process can be very painful indeed so we have to awaken gradually. When we become more and more evolved after clearing out what we believe to be all the debris lodged in the soul, it can be quite a surprise when “stuff” starts to pop up again. But this can be likened to the “exhaust fumes” effect that I spoke about in a previous article. After the vehicle has long gone, the smell of exhaust fumes lingers in the air until it too dissipates.

Speaking of sudden and complete awakening. One soul who went through such a process was the Indian sage, Ramana Maharshi; this is described in great detail in the book, The Mind of Ramana Maharshi by Arthur Osborne. I can thoroughly recommend this book, and indeed, all of the Arthur Osborne books on the teachings of the great man. My own awakening process has escalated greatly since I became aware of the Maharshi and his teachings.

So, this is it folks. Thank you for continuing to support my blog and please do “like” and leave a comment. I will now leave you with the answer to the question, “Who Am I”?, that I have asked 35 times during the writing of my story. But before I do, I just want to let you know that I have decided to put all this into book form, for release in 2018. The book will contain more detail and will be called, Eyesight To The Blind.

Yes, I have experienced dark times. I “suffered” with depression for an estimated 28 years, I have “suffered” psychological abuse, also for a prolonged period of time and I have been on the receiving end of domestic violence and “suffered” organisational abuse. One thing that I have not revealed until now is that I also experienced sexual abuse at the age of 8. It only happened once, but once was enough! I experienced my acute stress related illness too, which finally served as my wake up call. Throughout all this I chose to be a victim and suffered the consequences of that choice until I realised that all the answers were contained within me. I then embarked on my spiritual journey, which also had its ups and downs, the main focus of which was my work as a medium. Now as I type it is two days since undertaking my last ever booking in that line of work. I don’t know what the future holds, but I suppose the only true answer to that is, that the future will hold for me whatever my mind creates.

I have come to the understanding that there really is only consciousness, and nothing else, that there really is nothing to do except to allow oneself to be as a hollow bamboo in order that the higher power may weave its magic through us. I am a beautiful soul, a being of light, having an imaginary adventure; during which I will hopefully get to know myself in my own experience and love myself for the delightful soul that I am. In a nutshell…

I am that I am..

Finally….

Before and After

Me looking like an axe killer! Taken in Bielefeld hostel during my Who blasting days.

 

 

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Who Am I? Part One


12507605_10208528804956970_2772509710964300610_nHere is the first part of my story about my own personal journey, as mentioned in my post “What’s Occurring”, from waaaaaaaaay back in January. Just to recap, many of my newer followers will not be aware of the dark place from which I’ve emerged and I thought it would be a good idea to revisit the story but also adding stuff that I’ve not mentioned before..

I was born into a “normal” working class family in Harringay, North London many moons ago in 1955. Throughout my childhood and adolescence I never felt that I belonged anywhere, which wasn’t a very nice feeling, and I was too young and unconscious at the time to understand why. I just wanted to belong somewhere and I would switch from long periods of being quite reclusive, to hanging out with various groups of friends who would inevitably turn out to be the wrong crowd. It was quite hard for me within the family because I was considered to be a bit of an odd ball. I had an extremely difficult relationship with my dad, and it wasn’t until many years later that I understood why he was the way he was. I had a very loving relationship with my mother, although when I reached adulthood, that also became very difficult; albeit for different reasons. Then there was my older brother, who also had a very difficult relationship with our father. We were opposites in every way, and to this day it is extremely rare that our paths cross.

My mother would go to those funny churches where they apparently communicate with the dead, and my dad would laugh at her! I was too young to understand what it was all about back then, but little did I know that many years later I would be spending a lot of my time in such establishments. As I got older I got more and more confused and would often feel the most excruciating emotional pain within my body.

I left school at 15 with no qualifications, and had I not left voluntarily, I would have been removed. I wasn’t bad, it was just that I did not care about school and got involved with the wrong crowd. As a result I did very little school work, and just spent my time engaging in pranks. By the time I was 17 I’d had 24 jobs; I thought it was clever to be in and out of work so I counted them…

My parents were in despair and there was constant friction between me and my dad; as I got older I resented him more and more. The friction between us was exacerbated by the fact that I was now old enough to understand what was going on in my parents’ relationship. His frequent cheating and bullying completely destroyed any confidence that my mother had, to the point that she became nothing more than a doormat. I’d also started taking drugs, but nothing really hard. I never used needles, it was mainly smoking cannabis and taking a few pills here and there. At this point alcohol didn’t play a big role in my life. But if I was smoking cannabis or “dropping a few tabs”, several bottles of strong beer (it was Barley Wine back then, vile stuff!) helped things along very nicely, thank you very much!

When I got to about 17 I started to wise up a bit, and by the time I was 18 my working life became more settled. My jobs were lasting longer, but I was still not good psychologically and I was still taking drugs and drinking a bit more. Just before my 19th birthday I joined Wood Green Karate club (we moved to Wood Green in 1972). It was then that my life started to change. The instructor, a man named John Hawke, was a very big personality and he was the first real role model I ever had. I was a bit younger than most of the other lads, but we had a really good dynamic and for the first time ever I felt as though I had some worth; I felt like I belonged. For a couple of years things went swimmingly well; in spite of the constant tension within the household. I’d stopped taking drugs but social drinking, mainly with the lads from the Karate club became an important part of my life.

Things came to a head again in 1976. I had hamstring problems in both legs, which stopped me from training properly and I became disillusioned with Karate. My emotional pain was as alive as ever, but I was much more sensible than the boy who’d had 24 jobs in two years and I decided I needed a radical change. I applied to join the police force but was declined an interview. I then applied to join the British Transport Police but was also declined an interview. We all thought it had something to do with the fact that my brother had acquired a police record and had served time in young offenders institutes and later he’d served time in prison. So, I decided I would join the RAF and I went down to their recruitment office in The Strand in Central London. I passed all the tests but they had no vacancies for what I wanted to do. Later that night I remembered that I’d seen an army recruitment office very close to the RAF office, so the next day I went back down to The Strand and applied to join the army. I was accepted and after a bit of indecision I opted to join The Royal Artillery.

To be continued….